every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
