im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
