Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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