You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
