Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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