Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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