You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
