Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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