I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
