I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
