a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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