u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
