Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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