Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Randomize
