So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
