I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
