Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
