So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
