I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
