Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
