last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
