I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
this beer tastes like vomit already
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
