My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
