jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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