she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
