I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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