Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
