i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
