Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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