I accidentally had phone sex last night
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
