the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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