You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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