Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
