Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
