i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
