when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
