I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
