You smell like a Billy Joel song
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
