Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
