i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
