My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
