Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
