She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
