last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
