Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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