The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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