My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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