just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
