I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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