it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
